I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
