I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
my liver is dry heaving
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
