I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
