i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
