I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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