I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
