A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
