Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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