i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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