I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
