I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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