and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
