Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize