Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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