Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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