hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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