Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
