and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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