I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it