the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
