she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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