Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
