I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
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She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You don't make any sense
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