i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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