I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
