Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
