So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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