First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
