Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
