I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
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