nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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