I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Two words: nipple clamps
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