call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
