I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
