I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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