I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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