if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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