ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.