Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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