When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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