We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My vagina is officially offended.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
