i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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