can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Randomize
