Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
