No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
