The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
