I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
