i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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