Life is so much better after having sex.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
