Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
