I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.