New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues