Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Drake has all the answers
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...