I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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