Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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